Horizons magazine is published by Presbyterian Women (PW) the national women’s organization of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.).
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44 W hen I became a mother, one thing that really surprised me was the depth of anger I sometimes felt toward my children. It may not be wise to admit this. I am a pastor, after all, and I'm sure people would like to believe that we pastors have a better grip on our emotions than the average person. Alas, this is not so. When I have summoned the courage to talk about my anger with trusted friends, the response I have almost always heard is, "I know just what you're talking about. I have struggled with that too." What has surprised me almost as much as realizing that I'm not the ever-patient, peace-loving person I hoped to be, is the anger my children have also exhibited. And it's often over seemingly trivial things—the sock that doesn't fit right, the toy that doesn't work, the food that wasn't prepared or presented just so. I've also been sur- prised at the power of a sibling's words or actions to trigger anger. Playful games and banter all too often end with an elbow to the stomach, a fist to the back, a kick to the shin. The tendency toward violence is a reality of the human condition. For adults and children alike, violence is often the result of anger and frustra- tion that we don't know how to han- dle. The times I have lost my temper with my children have almost always come right after a voice in my head said, "I don't know what to do here!" I imagine that, to some extent, uncer- tainty is the seed of much of the anger and violence in ourselves, in children, even in terrorists. It is a sense of feel- ing out of control, of not knowing what to do with the (often perfectly legitimate) anger boiling inside us. When Jesus was arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane, one of his dis- ciples reacted by striking the slave of the high priest with a sword, cutting off his ear. Certainly this was an act borne of fear, desperation and frustra- tion. But Jesus told him to put the sword away, "for all who take the sword will perish by the sword" (Matt. 26:52). In other words, violence begets violence. The only way we can bring peace to the world is to start with ourselves. As Mahatma Gandhi once wrote, "Non- violence is not a garment to be put on and off at will. Its seat is in the heart, and it must be an inseparable part of our very being. . . . If one does not practice non-violence in one's personal relations with others and hopes to use it in bigger affairs, one is vastly mis- taken."* Non-violence does not instantly change the angry and violent tenden- cies of those around you. In fact, often, it makes them angrier and more vio- lent, at least at first. But as parents, partners, church members and citi- zens, the most effective way to bring about change is to start with ourselves. We must notice the angry and violent tendencies inside us, be honest about them and be willing to change both our initial reactions and our minds. Ultimately, this is the best example we can set for our children and our best hope for a more peaceful world. Amy Starr Redwine is pastor of the Church of the Covenant in Cleveland, Ohio. She lives with her husband and three children. Note *Mahatma Gandhi, edited by Thomas Merton, Ghandi on Non-Violence (New York: New Directions, 2007), 10. f a i t h f u l p a r e n t i n g Moving Past Anger to Non-violence t t t BY AMY STARR REDWINE Children express their visions of global peace and goodwill as part of the Global Art Project for Peace, an international art exchange. For more information, visit www.globalartproject.org. Photo courtesy of the Global Art Project for Peace