Horizons magazine is published by Presbyterian Women (PW) the national women’s organization of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.).
Issue link: http://horizons.epubxp.com/i/623149
January/February 2016 19 a nd ask for help when you need it. Getting help from a licensed mental health professional who understands trauma is particularly important. Having an ally with whom to share your anger, loss and insecurities can help as you work on issues of trust, meaning and belief. Over time, you can move from feeling like a victim to being a survivor, and eventually you may notice that you are thriving. Remember, many people have experi- enced spiritual abuse and have gone on to live lives full of joy and meaning. Responding as an Individual If you know someone who has expe- rienced spiritual abuse, there are sev- eral helpful things you can do. The most important thing is to love that person, without an agenda. Show that you will support her, regardless of whether she shares your belief sys- tem. If she needs additional support, help her access therapy. Understand that she may be dealing with grief, anxiety or post-traumatic stress dis- order (PTSD). Normalize her feelings, acknowl- edging that feeling angry, lonely, sad or afraid is to be expected. Don't push her to reach out to the group, forgive the abuser(s) or join you in studying scripture or praying. Things that you find comforting may trigger bad memories. She may be uncom- fortable hearing about prayer or reli- gion, so understand that stating your intention to pray for her may inspire p ain rather than comfort. Your prayers for her well-being will be meaningful even if she never knows you are praying for her. Help her reframe negative mes- sages and labels that she may have internalized. Is she really a "trouble- maker," or did she show integrity? Is she an apostate, or is she a person who could not hear God's voice in a spiritually-abusive community? Is she the worst of sinners, or a normal human being with doubts? Help her view questions and mistakes as opportunities to grow. Be hospitable. If someone has lost her whole social network by leaving a faith group, be a friend. Invite her over or call her on the phone. Take an interest in her wellbeing. Under- stand that she may be experiencing many things for the first time and may not know the social rules involved. For example, for someone who has never celebrated a birthday, a party invitation may cause anxiety. Help her understand what's being assumed by others about gifts, attire and so forth. Responding as a Faith Leader Encourage the person to seek her own answers. Ask for her opinion and thoughts on different things. If you are a leader, present various points of view and let her decide. Talk about times when the church reformed its beliefs. Point her to resources outside of your group or personal beliefs. Help her find her own voice and reasoning. If you really want to help someone heal from spiritual abuse, imagine her or him walking into your place of worship for the first time. Actions speak louder than words. You cannot create a healing environment while speaking out against enemies and mocking others for their beliefs. You create a safe haven by showing love, acceptance and generosity. If you speak of God's great love and your hopes for humanity, you help create an environment free of fear, anger and punishment. Your new- comer will feel safe, confident and loved. She or he will find a place to call home. Karen Wanjico has studied abusive religion and cults for the past 24 years. Her education and experiences have led her to promote healthy spirituality and to help people heal from spiritual abuse. Notes * My understanding of spiritual abuse and healthy spirituality has been informed by the Power and Control Wheel, and the Equality Wheel, from the Duluth Model. The Duluth Model is a way to respond to and end domestic violence (www.theduluthmodel.org). I have been influenced, as well, by the work of Steven Hassan (www.freedo- mofmind.com), Marlene Winell (www.jour- neyfree.org) and Janet Heimlich (www.childfriend- lyfaith.org). www.journeyfree.org This website offers a three-part article on "religious trauma syndrome" that delineates the effects of extended spiritual abuse, and offers eight ideas for "breaking away from dogmatic religion." www.spiritual-abuse-recovery.com The author's website offers specific activities to help an individual heal from spiritual abuse, as well as a blog dedicated to the topic and information about workshops. Learn More T You create a safe haven by showing love, acceptance and generosity.