Horizons magazine is published by Presbyterian Women (PW) the national women’s organization of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.).
Issue link: http://horizons.epubxp.com/i/623149
18 individual members become more sta- ble and able to contribute to the well- being of the society. In contrast, where spiritual abuse is occurring, the system is closed, restricted and excluding. There is a focus on being right. There is inflexi- bility, an enforced unity and an insis- tence on following rules and the "one right way." Scripture is read through a narrow lens, and readings outside that lens are considered "wrong." The abu- sive part is the insistence on a pre- scribed, rigid "one right way." Abusive spirituality involves the same qualities you would see in abu- sive relationships. Leadership is about power and control. The techniques involved in spiritual abuse include iso- lation, threats, intimidation and inter- ference in family relationships. Sexual and financial abuse and use of male privilege are also employed. Spiritual abusers talk a lot about what they are against; they are fighting a multi-front war. Their teaching makes people feel afraid and unsure of God's love.* Context and Impact Spiritual abuse exists on a continuum. It can happen one time, a few times, or over a lifetime. It can involve one person who imposes his or her beliefs on a spouse and children. Or it can happen when a pastor bans someone from worship until she or he pro- fesses a certain belief. Insistence on others' following the "right way" may stem from a spiritual leader's personal belief or it may be a tenet of a particu- lar religion. Spiritual abuse leads to acts of vio- lence small and large—shunning a family member, excommunicating a community member or leading jihad. All of these behaviors have the same core. Spiritual abusers prime those doing the shunning or killing in numerous, tiny ways—"us" against "them" preaching, calling for isolation from others who hold different opin- ions, creating strict rules. They prom- ise rewards for those who comply, either special treatment or honor in the community or an eternal reward from God (such as eternal life in heaven or being reunited with loved ones in the afterlife). People who question or disobey the teachings often stay because it is difficult to leave. Those who are born into the community usually have internalized a lifetime of manipula- tion and fear. To leave would mean losing family, community, employ- ment, status and/or housing. Those who joined as adults may feel over- whelmingly guilty or remorseful for having been sucked in. Some people who experience spiri- tual abuse eventually decide they can no longer tolerate the abuse, and break free. (See the "Learn More" sidebar for information.) Many times, getting away from the abuse comes with complicated feelings. People who break free often experience grief, a sense of loss, fear, guilt and a multi- tude of other feelings. People who have experienced spiritual abuse must understand that they are not the problem. The groups they have left are the problem. Whether you've experienced spir- itual abuse yourself or wonder how to support others who have, it is important to understand the healing p rocess. Recovering from Spiritual Abuse Healing requires undoing what was learned, and replacing beliefs, activi- ties and relationships. It is important to intentionally deconstruct and reconstruct your time, beliefs and relationships. To heal you will need to fill the void, which requires sub- stantial work. The most important step for heal- ing is researching the truth about the group you have left. In doing so, you will often find things that have been hidden or lied about by the group. The more you discover, the less authority the group will hold over you. It is also helpful to think about what you believe or do not believe. This is an important step toward spiritual autonomy. Establish some new weekly rituals. If your entire life revolved around the group you left, you may need to work on achieving balance. Attend church on Sunday, but on Wednesday evening, go to the movies with a friend or coworker. Saturdays, take your children for a hike and ice cream. Take a class, volunteer with a worthy cause or take up painting. Whatever you do, don't just sit home alone. Resist the urge to immerse yourself in a new faith. Give yourself time and opportunities to discern what kinds of things bring meaning to your life. Start making new friends. Look for people who are not trying to convert you to a new religion, but rather, peo- ple who can love you without pressur- ing you to do anything. Focus on being yourself and not who you think they want you to be. Be kind to yourself. Avoid self- destructive behaviors. Ask questions Spiritual abuse leads to acts of violence small and large—shunning a family member, excom- municating a community member or leading jihad. All of these behaviors have the same core.