Horizons Sample

NOV-DEC 2011

Horizons magazine is published by Presbyterian Women (PW) the national women’s organization of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.).

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Loss...and Gift BY NANCY COPELAND-PAYTON sky. Each upward toss carries a dream of flying beyond treetops, of escap- ing gravity. But each time, the ball slows to a stop, a small dot suspended in the sun's glare. Then it begins an inevitable tumble back to earth. The arc of the ball can A be compared to our phys- ical journey through life. The first part of life is propelled by a youthful momentum—like the ball briefly soaring up against gravity. But around midlife, tell-tale gray hair appears in the mirror, along with wrinkles and odd aches. Our body has passed the apex of its physical prowess, and we see the long, earthbound freefall that is physical aging ahead. There is such deep desire within us to deny we're growing old. Why are we so afraid? In our fear-filled gaze into the physical diminishment of aging, it is easy to only see the negative, at first. We see loss of energy, mobility, sight, hearing or mental quickness. We've never had to let go of so much. Such losses can leave us vulnerable and dependent upon others. But what else is happening? Later years can be among the most generative in our spiritual journey. We've no choice in the losses of boy tosses a ball high into the endless blue startling clarity—we realize that we've never been wholly self-suffi- cient at any age. We've always depended upon others for our existence. Independent life is an illusion. We also are invited to search for a more pro- found self-identity. Who are we, now that we do not plan our days or drive ourselves to appointments? Who are we, now that we depend on others so much? We ponder a deeper identity that isn't defined by accomplishments, inde- our aging bodies. But we can choose how we respond to them. Accepting our limitations para- doxically can free us. When we've no longer anything to acquire, grasp or control, our open hands can receive gifts. Many elders speak of a heightened awareness of daily gifts. Acceptance of losses leads them to an astonishing gratitude for all that remains. A flower out- side the window, a fresh cup of coffee, another's smile—all bring delight. Aging knees might not let these elders kneel physically, but deep inside, they kneel in gratitude for small, wondrous pleasures. And there's more. Aging can help us unmask wisdom that we've feared to confront our entire lives. As we rely more on others, we begin to see something with pendence or productivity. In later years, we contemplate "Who is the person God creates me to be?" To grow old is to live a paradox. These later years can be "womb- space." They can birth a wholeness we've never before known. New life emerges out of the ashes of our losses, sometimes with brilliant phoenix colors. As we draw near to our true home in God, a larger wis- dom gently settles on us. We learn to see past old horizons, by a differ- ent light that is not so earthbound or defined by our physical state. Nancy Copeland-Payton is a retreat leader, spiritual director and author of the book The Losses of Our Lives: The Sacred Gifts of Renewal in Everyday Loss (Woodstock, VT: Skylight Paths, 2009). November/December 2011 33 di s cernment Thinkstock.com

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